Later Levels QOTM (June ’18) – The Recruitment Speech

The following is an answer to the Later Levels Question of the Month, June Edition. This month’s question comes from Luna at GamersUnitedGG, who asks: You are a new villain trying to make a name for yourself so you have decided to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, Green Hill Zone and Hyrule. Who are you and how will you defeat each hero and take over?

Corker of a question! Really took me a long to thing of something, but I think I’ve got a half-decent response below. Let’s take a look at that new up-and-coming young villain, and his latest henchperson recruitment speech as he vies for power…

 

*Approaches podium. A large crowd of five hundred eager applicants to my henchperson program cheer and whoop in anticipation…*

Me: *spreads arms for calm*

*noise dies down*

Me: “Friends, cartoons, poorly-drawn NPCs! Lend me your pixelated ears!”

*crowd cheers again*

Me: “For too long, the Mushroom Kingdom, Green Hill Zone and Kingdom of Hyrule have been ruled over by useless, ineffectual leaders. Leaders who think that slow-moving giant bullets are a good idea!”

*raucous laughter*

Me: “These kingdoms need a new ruler, a firm tentacle, and a way to rid ourselves of that managerie of so-called ‘heroes’ that have nothing better to do than thwart plans and ruin everyone’s day. So join me, THE PURPLE TENTACLE, as I lay out my plans to defeat the do-gooder and ultimately, I feel like I could…like I could….like I could….TAKE ON THE WORLD!!!”

*more cheers*

Me: “Firstly, in Hyrule, there’s the problem of that accursed Peter Pan knockoff, the one they call…Link.”

*crowd hisses*

Me: “I know my friends, but take heart, I know his weakness: sleep! At the start of nearly every one of his adventures, Link needs to be woken up by someone or something. I propose that the night before I ascend to power, a small team of elite tentacles infiltrates his home, and kidnaps his loved ones. With no-one to wake him up, he’ll never bother us in Hyrule again!”

*more cheers, slaps on backs*

Me: “Next, the problem of the blue blur, rolling around at the speed of sound: the sickening Sonic situation.”

*boos ring out, a small voice at the back yells: “More pointy spikes!”*

Me: “No, I’m afraid pointy spikes just aren’t good enough. Let me ask you this: what do hedgehogs eat?”

*umms and arrs…then all shouting*

“Bread?”

“Apples?”

“Very small rocks?”

“Great gravy?”

“Cherries?”

“Mud?”

Me: *sighs, under breath:* “Bloody peasants…”

Me: *To crowd* “No my friends, worms! Here’s what I propose: we find every worm in the Green Hill Zone, dip them in laxatives, and bide our time until our little blue friend decides to find some dinner. Let’s see how fast he is with a stomach like the Lava Reef Zone, and how loyal his little fox sidekick is when he has to inhale it all day every day!”

*cheers, more laughter*

Me: “And lastly, the princess-rescuing, 1-UPing, tanooki-suit wearing, turtle smooshing…*spits*…Mario.”

*boos ring out, a lone voice at the back shouts: “Wooo! Go Mario!”*

Me: “……” *Pushes button releasing the trapdoor. The heckler plummets a hundred feet to shark-filled water tank*

Me: *To aide* “Someone call that hack Robotnik and get him to attach lasers to the sharks’ heads. I have a feeling it would look awesome.”

Aide: “On it, boss!”

Me: “Now then…if there are no more Mario lovers…?”

*silence*

Me: “Good. As Mario is a plumber by trade, my plan to remove him from the equation consists of two words: wet wipes.”

*confused looks*

Me: “My friends, 90% of the mass of so-called ‘fatbergs’ is not made up of fat, but wet wipes! If we spend all day every day flushing wet wipes down toilets in the Mushroom Kingdom then Mario will be so busy unclogging sewer blockages the size of caravans that he’ll have no time to interfere with our plans!”

*jubilant cheers*

Me: “So take heart! Join my crew, and together we’ll rule the three kingdoms! Me as supreme leader, and you as the expendable drones that do all the work!”

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2 thoughts on “Later Levels QOTM (June ’18) – The Recruitment Speech

  1. “Friends, cartoons, poorly-drawn NPCs! Lend me your pixelated ears!” What an awesome opener. 😂

    Loved this – some clever answers wrapped up in a great speech format. You’ll have the world in the palm of your hand in no time.

    Liked by 1 person

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