A couple of days ago, Pix1001 at Shoot The Rookie came up with an amazing idea: should a team from the current World Cup drop out, could we as a blogging community fill their spot with a team made up solely of video game characters? The second I saw this suggestion (after days of speculating what the challenge would be…thanks for all those cryptic teasers Pix!) I started thinking of oodles of characters that would love to get stuck in to a game of football and that would give the likes of Spain and Brazil a run for their money. I started narrowing down, and thinking about what position they’d play.
Eventually, I decided on four possible candidates to crack the starting eleven: one goalkeeper, one defender, one midfielder and one striker. All of my picks have one thing in common; they are scary badass. If there’s one thing you want to do in sport it’s instill fear in the heart of your enemy. And they don’t come scarier and more terrifying than my choice of goalkeeper:
Goalkeeper: GLaDOS (Portal series)
Come on, admit it. You’re an opposing striker, you see GLaDOS hanging from the crossbar and you just think: “You know what? I’m good.” With her genocidal tendencies and stockpile of deadly neurotoxins, there’s no-one else I’d rather have as my last line of defense. She also has a surprising degree of movement as well, I’m confident she could cover every square inch of the goal in a matter of seconds. And let’s not forget the scathing put-downs she’d dish out to opposing strikers as well. You’re getting ready for a corner and you hear: “Your awful shooting has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep”, you’re not going to be in the best frame of mind to carry on!
Defender: Corvo Attano (Dishonored series)
If there’s one thing Corvo here knows a thing or two about, it’s how to defend. As the Lord Protector to the Empress Jessamine Kaldwin I, Corvo dedicated his life to defending Her Majesty’s person. He did a damn good job of it too until he was betrayed and outnumbered. Then he had a visit from The Outsider and became even more talented as a footballer. Tapping into his unnatural abilities, Corvo has the capacity to close down opposing strikers quickly with his blink powers. He can also slow down time around him, seemingly giving him even more speed as well as near perfect coordination. If fed enough runes he can also possess human minds for a short time and even summon a horde of rats to devour his opponents. Let’s see the ref prove that Corvo was to blame for that one!
Midfielder: Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)
Man, I pity the players that have to win the ball off this reanimated hell-spectre. Scorpion’s ability to rip off his mask and spit fireballs at opponents’ feet is going to severely dampen their pace. He also seems very capable of being extremely ungracious in defeat; just letting him win would be safest for everyone. But the reason I chose Scorpion is for his infamous weapon: the kunai (or ‘knife on a chain thingy’ to you and me). With kunai in hand, Scorpion would be able to do what all good midfielders do, and turn defence into attack. Think you’ve managed a shot on goal? *Wooosh* – the kunai flies past you out of nowhere, and with surgical precision impales the ball, hurling it back towards the centre of the field. Truly a game-changer.
Striker: The Doomguy (DOOM series)
Let me ask you: what is a striker? A striker is the player who runs head first into the heart of hostile territory, beset on all sides by enemies, and just generally ruins their day. Who does that describe better than the epitome of badasserie itself; the insanely cool, ripped, gore-splattered Doomguy? I mean come on, the dude makes demons afraid. No defender is going to want to be the one to mark him. Guaranteed to be open during corners and free kicks, the Doomguy is certain to be a goal-scoring machine. Factor in all that raw power and muscle density and I bet he’s got one hell of a right foot on him. (Geddit? Hell? Because he goes into Hell and murders demons? In Hell? Ah you get it.)
So those are my picks for the All Video Game starting eleven! I strongly encourage everyone to take part in this awesome event, get thinking about those video game characters with a possible hidden talent for the beautiful game and let’s unseat Germany as world champs!