Later Levels QOTM – Transcript of a phone interview

The following is my entry for the Later Levels Question of the Month for May 2018, posed by Pix1001: if you could live in any video game settlement (ie a town, village, city, etc), where would you choose to live and why; and what role would you play in it?

My choice for where? It has to be the Citadel in the Mass Effect universe. To explain why, and the role I would play, see below a phone transcript of a possible phone interview…

*phone rings*

*click*

Receptionist: “Citadel Security Services, Executor Pallin’s Office.”

Me: “Erm, hi. Could I speak to the Executor please?”

Receptionist: “What’s it in regards to?”

Me: “I wanna join C-Sec.”

Receptionist: “….you know that people generally apply through the Academy, right?”

Me: “Yeah, if you want to join the Enforcement Division. I’d like to join Investigations.”

Receptionist: “OK….hold for one moment please.”

*click*…. *asari trance music plays*

43 minutes later…

*click*

Executor Pallin: “I have a million things to do today. Who on Palaven are you and why are you calling?”

Me: “My name’s Zerathulu sir. I want to join the C-Sec Investigation division.”

Pallin: “Is that so? What race are you? Wait, let me guess…human, right?”

Me: “How did you know?”

Pallin: “Because no other race has used a telephone in decades. Seriously, it’s the 22nd century in your culture. What gives?”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, the extranet in my village is slower than a volus after a heavy dinner. One of the reasons I want a job on the Citadel.”

Pallin: *laughs*…”Alright kid, you got my attention. Why else do you want to relocate to the station?”

Me: “I mean…it’s space. Surrounded by aliens and other cultures, and taking our place within the galactic community, who wouldn’t want that? And honestly? Earth kinda sucks right now. We have to wear radiation suits when we go outside. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now so large it just became sovereign territory. No one can remember what fish tasted like.”

Pallin: “Sounds depressing. Why hasn’t the Systems Alliance said anything?”

Me: “Because Ambassador Udina is a tool and probably doesn’t want the other races to know how bad things are.”

Pallin: “Ugh. Udina. You know if you humans ever end up joining the Council, he’ll probably end up as humanity’s Council member, right?”

Me: “I really hope not. Earth has had its share of really awful leaders.”

Pallin: “I see. Well, anyway….why should I pick you to be a C-Sec investigative officer?”

Me: “I am scary good at finding patterns. I can connect dots from one side of the galaxy to another. I work hard, and I have the memory of an elephant.”

Pallin: “………….”

Me: “It’s like an elcor, but it’s bigger. And can’t jump.”

Pallin: “….outstanding. But I suppose the biggest question I want to ask is, why do you want to join C-Sec?”

Me: “….I’ve toyed with the idea of joining law enforcement on Earth. And whilst I might be able to make a difference here, it’s nothing compared to contribution I feel I could make to the Citadel. There are children that live in ventilation systems, needlessly dying from starvation and exposure to hard vacuum, exploited by contract killers. A tenth of the Citadel’s population lives in poverty in the foundations, surviving on organic paste produced by the station’s recycling systems. And corruption is everywhere. I’d eradicate hives of criminality like Chora’s Den, and ensure that those who profit off of the fear and suffering of others are brought to justice.”

Pallin: “Well said, kid. Alright, I won’t be able to make you a fully-fledged officer, what with not going to the Academy and all. But I can pair you up with one of my other officers so you can learn on the job. How does that sound?”

Me: “Thank you sir! You won’t regret it!”

Pallin: “Alright then. Get yourself on the next transport to the Serpent Nebula and report for duty. Let’s see who’s in need of a new partner…….hmm…*papers rustling*…oh, it looks like Officer Harkin will be available.”

Me: “Oh God no, please, anyone but Har-”

*click*